


new dude: introduce yourself, asshat

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: :P, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Canon-Typical Violence, Everyone Is Gay, Gen, Mild Gore, Multi, Polyamory, Self-Insert, The Author Regrets Everything, but is still excited to write this, despite regrets, thank u xphantomhive for the idea
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-07-13 20:35:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7136147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ED: sit your binch ass down aniya<br/>ED: lemme tell U a story..,,,,..<br/>ED: once upon a time there was a babay boy born with a massive DONG<br/>ED: Thats It. That's the Story...<br/>VR: Wow. That was great<br/>VR: Your point?<br/>ED: basically I've always been a cool dawg witg a huge ass peen<br/>ED: so uU can just shutthefuckup!!!!!!!!! B|</p>
            </blockquote>





	new dude: introduce yourself, asshat

**Author's Note:**

> helo helo Hello

New Dude: wonder what the words in the ugly font are talking about.

It's not a particularly UGLY font, it's just very formal. You might even consider choosing it if you were to make a website! It's so...professional. Classy. 

ANYWAYS, why are there words floating above your head? You don't know any authors, or so you assume-- 

Actually, the words are getting visibly distant. It's almost as if the more you think, the farther they go. 

Hmm.... 

New Dude: now is not the time for such trivial thoughts. introduce yourself, asshat, the author is getting bored already. 

That was unnecessarily rude. You're not a morning person yourself, but being awake at 10:30 AM is no reason to be so-- 

New Dude: the author is considering killing you off already. tread carefully. 

Jesus Christ. 

Everyone just calm down, OK? 

New Dude, your name is not, in fact, New Dude. Your name is HAYDEN. You are a TEEN BOY. You have SHITTY VISION but refuse to wear your current glasses until you get new ones--they make you look like a DOOFUS, and they're also BROKEN because you SAT on them, but that's besides the point! Your ROOM is constantly MESSY no matter how hard you try to clean it. Most of the things that you MAKE FUN OF are things you wholeheartedly enjoy; ANIME, FANFICTION, WEB COMICS...you're a total DWEEB, New Dude. Sometimes your JOKES could be considered a little bit too EDGY, but that's alright, as long as you have learned from your mistakes! 

Your music taste is...varied to say the least. You listen to bands like 7 YEAR BITCH and BRATMOBILE and LUNACHICKS, but also TEEN SUICIDE and ELVIS DEPRESSEDLY, but you ALSO listen to PANIC! AT THE DISCO and do indulge yourself in a little bit of TWENTY ONE PILOTS from time to time. Sometimes, you listen to CHILDISH GAMBINO and DRAKE, and also XO, because you like to spice things up a little bit. You have a RAGING HARD-ON for MARILYN MONROE and LANA DEL REY though. 

You're pretty SHORT for a DUDE, somewhere around 5'3 (you may be EXAGGERATING slightly....), but your PALS are more likely to provide you with PIGGYBACK RIDES since you're so SMALL, so it's OK. You're really FUCKING WHITE even though you aren't ACTUALLY WHITE. You just look it. It kinda sucks, but whatever. 

You also-- 

YOU'RE GETTING CARRIED AWAY WITH THE INTRODUCTION EVERYONE IS PROBABLY BORED OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MINDS BY NOW. THIS IS NOT A DATING PROFILE TAKE YOUR GAY ASS ELSEWHERE.

OK, this is a little embarrassing. You were getting a little carried away. You apologize. 

you'r computer is dinging. go check it.

Why the apostrophe in "your?" 

YOUR* fuck you it was a typo i didn't even have time to correct myself before you had to go and point it out to everyone!!!!!! :(

Again, you APOLOGIZE. 

You make your way over to your desk, stepping CAREFULLY through the path of SHOES, CLOTHES and ART UTENSILS laid out before you. Your FRIENDS are MESSAGING you!!! :DDD 

beautifulHobbit [BH] began messaging erinaceousDog [ED]

BH: Hello  
BH: My phone isn't dead anymore  
BH: Hayden  


It's your GOOD PAL who is ATTRACTED to you!!! Gosh you love her. She's great. She's like a MOM FRIEND. 

ED: mariam  
ED: i see u r alive once more  
ED: benedicite   
BH: Thank you, being dead is very hard  
BH: What are you up to?  
ED: i think i may have contracted a case of carpal tunnel at my tender, ripe yung age.  
BH: Oh. i see. lol

She sends you a laughing sticker. 

BH: Brb, dishes.  
ED: ghave fun.  
ED: have*  
BH: Yeah yeah 

beautifulHobbit [BH] ceased messaging erinaceousDog [ED]

that was a quick conversation, wasn't it?

It was, but it doesn't bother you! Knowing Mariam in real life and not just on the internet relaxes you when you message her. You can imagine her LAUGHING while typing, you know how she reacts to things since you've known her for TWO, almost THREE FRICKIN' YEARS now, and it keeps you from STRESSING OUT over everything you say to her.

Hayden: check your other messages. 

Ah, the author is returning to the ORIGINAL NARRATION FORMAT. Oh well, it was nice speaking with you! 

Hayden: GO FUCK YOURSELF 

Whoa, let's all calm down now! It seems that the narrator is filled with RAGE on this fine, rainy morning in PENNSYLVANIA. 

You check your other messages. 

Jane is now messaging you. You don't really like talking to her much outside of instant messaging, most conversations you have are very awkward. 

loudGecko [LG]  began messaging erinaceousDog

LG: oi  
LG: m8  
LG: dude u gotta see the dog im dogsitting  
LG: lil shit is adorable OvO  
LG: anyways wats up????  
ED: nm, did sburb download for you yet? it's taking forever for me  
ED: it's only at 40% and it's been there FOR EONS  
LG: tht sux, it's at 90% for me. probs just yr shitty connection.  
ED: yeh, probbly. ill text u wen it's done!  
LG: kk   


loudGecko [LG]  ceased messaging erinaceousDog

Hayden: connect to your neighbor's less shitty wifi to speed up the story 

What? Uh, alright... 

Wow, that's actually a lot better! You never knew how fast their internet was, and it's not locked. Little things like this really make your day. 

The download is now at 70%! That was a pretty great idea. 

*blushes at his kind words, hides shy smile behind hand* 

Ew what. 

sorry, i got carried away. it was funnier in my head. 

Alrighty. 

You run your hand through your hair in an attempt to make it look better, but to little avail; now, your cowlicks are sticking up even more. Good job. 

There's a VERY loud rumble of thunder outside! You are just now noticing that it is raining HEAVILY, much more than you thought. The floor below the ONLY window in your room is damp with water. A sudden flash of lightning causes you to jump, and you slip on the puddle, successfully KNOCKING YOURSELF THE FUCK OUT. 

it would be wise to perform a character switch, would it not?

**Author's Note:**

> i honestly DOUBT that anyone is going to read this since its not focused on johndave and what i wrote was stupid but, uh. Here you go


End file.
